(More) Vegan Recipes for You to Enjoy

TAR BOWL

Ingredients:

• Oreo cookie crumbles leftover from a real recipe
• Almond butter
• Flaked sweetened coconut (what else is new?)
• Soy milk
• Sugar
• 3 raisins

Plan of action:

1. Put the Oreo crumbs in a bowl.
2. Put some almond butter on a spoon and stir it around in the Oreo crumbs.
3. Flaked sweetened coconut- about half of the amount of Oreo crumbs.
4. Pour in some soy milk. Make it like tar. You might have to add some more Oreo crumbs, and then some more milk. This is a science.
   
5. Maybe add in some sugar if it's not sweet enough.
6. I put in 3 raisins to try it out. I didn't like it very much so I picked them out and ate them first. This was a fun activity.
7. Do your fucking dishes, you slob.

***
Mostly I am just so bored but also too tired to do anything. Womp womp.

Today I became an Apicultural Research Assistant. I tore bees in half with tiny tongs and crushed them in a mortar and pestle.

Bee Puns

So's I got this job keepin' bees this summer; anticipating a really good beard of 'em by the end of it. While Frank Bornhofer calls this a "bee bonnet,"and that's cute, I kind of think "beehive," is a bit more appropriate.

Why Welland is Really Cool:

THE TITANIC. A bar but also 'da club' in the basement and karaoke and Jen and Holly and Matt (middle aged and depressed). PLEASE. Forever and ever.

Deflecting

Tropical Weetabix:

• 2 Weetabix biscuits
  
• Honey (raw honey with little wax chunks is preferable)
  
• 1/2 a banana
• Shredded coconut (1/2 sweetened, 1/2 unsweetened)
• Thompson raisins
• Soy milk

1. Put the Weetabix biscuits in a bowl. Shallow ones are best.
2. Spread a little bit of honey on them.
3. Slice banana on top of Weetabix and honey. Even distribution is key. Sing the "Chiquita Banana" song and think about the exploitation of Latin American female identity (or something).
   
4. Sprinkle some coconut on there. Sing "La Cucaracha."
   
5. Add some Thompson raisins. Put the container away, and then pull it back out to add two more raisins. Like that, yeah.
6. Find a sad, slow record to listen to. Maybe Bonnie "Prince" Billy.
   
7. Put in some soy milk. Not too much. Do this at the last possible moment before consumption.
8. Enjoy, or something.
   

Spoons in the Sink, Blue in my Brain (and on my legs)

We are moved into our new home on Home, the KITSCHen. My hands are buttery yellow all over, which is certainly a mixing error. This paint doesn't look much like a Portuguese Sonnet at all, actually. Somehow, everything I owned turned blue. I mean, by accident, everything I happen to own also happens to be some shade of blue. I also happen to hate the colour blue. It may be one of my least favourites, except for, say, a nice navy blue cardigan. By some universal hiccup, I came to own everything in a shade of blue- baby, peacock, cornflower especially. Things that are two shades of blue at once, even. So I am painting this two tone blue dresser I found in my garage in which my dad had been storing training wheels and light bulbs and long gone useless matter. And now it's yellow. I don't like yellow much either, though. How did this happen?

Speaking of blue and yellow, my legs are continually and mysteriously bruised all over. I am afraid to WebMD it (my usual course of action) since Jordaan squealed, "Oh my God it's like that movie where the girl has leukemia and she has bruises all over her legs and then she dies!"
I asked my mom if I had leukemia, and she said no, but she also recommended I go to the doctor to get the skin on my feet checked out while I'm at it.
Totally gnar.

I still don't have a summer job yet, really, except for a part time one. Album recording will be going on soon, and I so hope that the neighbours upstairs don't mind. I am sure they won't- they seem really great, and even brought me a pumpkin loaf and some zines today! Included was, "My Cat's More Punk Than Yours" by Five: Seventeen. Toning down my excitement on that one was a challenge. My two most favourite things! I am reassured that staying in Guelph is the right thing to do. Last night's brodown dude party had me second guessing, but I think I'll be just fine here.

TOTALLY GNAR!